Professional considerations in dealing with grieving parents following the loss of a child

Given the intense nature of bereavement counseling, many social service professionals may experience feelings similar to those of the families they counsel. In addition, social service professionals and law enforcement investigators whose workload focuses on cases of child abduction may experience burnout from time to time. Following are recommendations for professionals who counsel families or who otherwise deal with cases involving the loss of a child:

• Recognize that significant loss induces stress and crises that tend to lead to regressive behavior in client parents. Remind parents that such behavior is a common, expected reaction to grief.
• Denial of pain, at least in the short run, can be beneficial. It will afford parents the ability to summon energy to search for their child, to keep a job, and so on. Long-term denial, however, may be less functional and can result in isolation and alienation of others.
• Be aware that parents may blame law-enforcement or others for negligence in recovering the child. While parents may use law-enforcement as an object of authority on which to displace anger, blaming others prevents parents from addressing the more pressing personal issues of denial, helplessness, and guilt. Thus, the progression through the bereavement cycle is delayed.
• Warn parents against excessive guilt, depression, or self-reproach. Also caution parents against two extremes: either a morbid preoccupation wth the child or a premature disposal of possessions as reminders of the loss.
• Allow parents time to process their grief. Years may be needed, depending on the circumstances of the loss.
• Watch for isolation of clients. Many parents report feelings of ostracism from former friends, which only compounds feelings of separation and loss.
• Assess the needs and emotional states of the remaining children in the family, as they may not have had a chance to deal with their feelings. The other children may feel sadness, guilt, excessive fear, anger, or jealousy of the parents' attention.
• Help the families make contact with community support groups. Child Find Canada can help put you in touch with local resources.
• Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, and then gradual recovery.
• Educate parents on the replacement child syndrome. If grief issues are not appropriately faced, distorted expectations may be placed on another child. This can be quite destructive if a child is expected to be the ghost of the lost child.
• Be aware of your own reactions to the loss of a child. Dealing with such intense topics may force unresolved issues to the surface. Recognize and deal with such feelings when they occur. Schedule breaks for yourself if your caseload focuses on issues of bereavement.